A new twist on an old story
by Stanelle
Summary: What would happen if Kai from the Lexx came to Ohio Amishland,...and had a "power rod failure?" Hmmmmmmmmnnnnn?
1. Chapter 1

A New Twist on An old Story!

By Stanelle

There has been a very bright light in the sky tonight. The sixty-five year old went round to all of the windows and pulled the blinds down early. We had finished redding up the house and outening the lights early in the even.

About ten o'clock, we all settled in for bed. Mr. Miller had brought us home some good fresh Jersey cow milk to make butter with for breakfast, and I separated it,..shook it, and salted the resulting butter which comes from the rich cream that comes from Jersey milk. We would have fresh butter with our hot biscuits in the morning for breakfast.

Once we had all settled in for the night,...I heard a shout from outside the house. One of our neighbor men was a'hollerin' for some reason!

For us,..my family,..it was late,..about ten PM. We are not fancy folk nor do we sit up all hours like past eleven PM of the even or past midnight. The ten year old's classmates at school are scandalized if she talks about what she watches on television and they are scandalized tyhat she even posseses such an "instrument of the devil" as a television set. And the sixty-five year old is just one generation removed from making me wear a head covering and using one horse transportation. We try to fit into the neighborhood by keeping decent hours..i..e..we are in bed by ten or eleven o'clock and we never sleep past seven in the morning.

Anyways, we had all settled in for the night when we heard the neighbor man's screech, "Fire! Fire!! Fire at the lumberyard!"

If that was not enough to shake my poor family out of bed,..there was the brightest flash of light that even I had ever seen that came flashing through our bedroom windows. Such was the intensity of that light that it was brighter than any other lights that the sixty-five year old had seen in all of his sixty-five years..or so he told me later!!

I swallowed hard and climbed out of bed.

"Stay down!" I whispered to the sixty-five year old,..who was now hiding UNDER the bed!"

"I'm in my closet, and I'm not coming out!" yelped the ten year old's muffled voice from her room down the hall.

"I'm going out!" I growled as I stood up and headed for my chest of drawers, "If I'm not back in here by mornin'...."

"If you ain't back in here by mornin,"...then you ain't comin' back!" spluttered the sixty-five year old as he observed me dressing from his position on the floor and further back under the bed!

I picked up my 22 rifle, some ammo, and a flashlight and lit out across the backyard and into the cow pasture behind our house to see what was going on. Zeke Miller's lumberyard, which I assumed was the lumberyard which was on fire as it was the closest lumberyard for 'bout two miles'round here, was just a quarter mile away..through the pasture.

When I had climbed through the barbed wire of the fence, I saw the"very bright light" give a flash a little more than halfway 'cross the cow pasture from me. I set my 22 and carefully made my way in the darkness towards that "burnin' beacon on the near horizon!"

Despite my extreme care in stepping about in the darkness,..I slipped on a cow patty and landed on a body! It was a dead human body so I found..as I felt it's cold skin whilst I scrambled back to my feet.

Then,..I slipped again on the same damned cow patty and landed on top of the "stiff" again!! That "dead stiff' was definitely a stiff 'a'cause it was COLD and stiff..as I discovered as I landed on top of it!!

As Mr. Miller, the owner of the cow pasture,..was not in the habit of keeping dead human bodies in his cow pasture, I knew that the "stiff' did not belong there!! Mr. Miller's cows would certainly give sour milk if he was in the habit of keeping dead human bodies in his cow pasture!!

I gulped and pointed the light of my flashlight down on the dead face. it was the face of a man,..but a delicate and beautiful face! He,..if this man was a "he' was a very good looking corpse!! He was one damned fine looking corpse!!

"Why?" I moaned to myself, "Why do all of the really good looking guys around here have to be either Old Order Amish or dead?"

Then,..the Dead Man..opened his eyes!!

Under the beam of the flashlight, the Dead Man not only opened his eyes, but said to me, "Have you seen a burning moth go down? It was piloted by a love slave, named Xev, who is dressed in a lizard skin."

"I am heading towards a bright light, that went down about a quarter of a mile from here!" I stammered out to this "talking corpse,..(One does not often meet "talking corpses" in back cow pastures!),.."Could that be your aircraft?"

I looked down at the corpse-like body, which had spoken to me quite clearly. I hoped that the night air was not getting to me! Night air is still rumoured,..in these parts,..to affect the brain!! Holding a conversation with a corpse as I was..could be direct proof of the fetidness of night air on one's brain!!

"High up in your atmosphere," the Dead Man annouced to my stupfaction,.."We were struck by an unleased flow of electrons. The right side of the moth was blasted and I fell out!! The moth flew on, but it was burning and could not have flown much further!!"

"How far up were you when all of this happened?" I asked quite doubtfully.

"The moth was in the belt of radiation,..which surrounds your planet." was his reply.

"Whooooooah,..boy! Haw me 'round a bit!" I snorted at the Dead Guy, "If you fell out of the aircraft near the Van Allen Radiation belt,..you would have come down so hard..that you would have left a crater and your bod would be splattered to pieces when you landed!! You would be dead!!"

I stated all of this with a certain smugness.

The corpse sat up, glanced at me quickly, and clicked its' right wrist with its' left and and raised it as if he were going to use it as a weapon or something of that catagory! From the faint pouty expression on the Dead man's face,..I got the distinct impression that unpleasant consequences would follow if that wrist were to be pointed at me.

Then,..just as suddenly, the "pout' fainted from the Dead man's face.  
He lowered his primed wrist.

"The Dead do not get annoyed!!" quoth he.

"No," I blurted out, "The Dead are just dead! Hey man! Are you sure that someone didn't just give you some bad cider down at Kookoo's Cafe in town and you came down here just to sleep it off?"

My jibe didn't shake the Dead Man's cool.

"I am dead. I am a Divine Assassin. I was decarbonized. When the Dead are made into Divine Assassins, they do not splatter upon impact with the dirt of a Type Thirteen Planet." He stated this quite matter of factly and quite blankly as if he were giving out the time of day, "And I did leave a crater in the middle of that cellulose dumping ground where my body impacted.  
I came down on a pole, filled with wire of a type used to transport electrons!! This has knocked me slightly out of alighment, but my systems are slowly repairing themselves.  
With your assistance with my rods,..the repairs could progress..more quickly...but nevermind, for the moment.  
As I asked you before, have you seen a gigantic burning moth,..suitable for space transport,..piloted by a love slave,..who is dressed in a cluster lizard skin?""

"No!" I muttered to myself as much as to the Dead man, "but if I didn't have to find the source of that bright light, which scared the hell out of my family,..I'd be on MY way to kookoo's Cafe to get a hard cider!!"

Talking to a corpse in a back cow pasture is not easy on one's nerves and I said as much to myself as I did to the Dead Man, "I wonder if this is all not just the result of such a spree..!!"

"The fire seems to be burning hotter from the changing colors in it's infra-spectum!" the corpse broke up my musings as he gazed at the flames, which were shooting up in the direction of the lumberyard and visible a quarter mile away from our spot in the pasture!!

With the distinct feeling of raising alarm, I asked the "self-styled Divine Assassin,.."Did you just walk off and leave innocent people to be burned to death in a fire that you might have started in the first place? After all,..you said that you were an..assassin!!"

The Dead Man looked in the direction of the lumber yard. Flames were shooting up over the horizon.

"Did you just walk off and leave any innocent people, who might have been working there, to be burned to death?" I asked him with increasing urgency. The divine-looking corpse glared at me with narrowed eyes and i noticed that his lips had noticibly tightened.

"Are you certain that you have no knowledge of the reputation of Divine Assassins?" he responded to my question with a question.

"Hell no!" I squawked back at him, "I'm just a'wantin to know if I should leave and tell my son to call the 911 number and give them more information about how to rescue someone at that lumber yard,..if you have left um to burn to death!"

The look that I got from the talking corpse at that comment told me that in another moment,.if I didn't change my line of conversation with him,..I was going to definitely find out just how he used that weapon thingie on his right wrist.

Between tightened narrowed lips and with a face made as blank as possible, he tersely informed me, "I am Kai, Last of the Brunnin G,..and I would have had no motivation to leave any residents of your Type Thirteen Planet..to be burned alive at the cellulose dumping ground. There was no one at the cellulose dumping ground, who could have been injured as there was no one there. At ant rate,..I would not have left any living being to be incinerated in the fire."

Sirens began to sound so loudly that evenI could make them out. Flashing lights in the distance told me that someone had caled the Fire Departments, and the Emergency Rescue Squads.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My anger overode my good sense and I turned angerly to the Dead man on the ground and demanded again of him, "Why didn't you call for help? and why didn't you die if you fell out of an aircraft? Your story is just so..so...so..?"

"Unbelievable?" my visitor from the heavens answered me, "As I have said before, I am already dead. My body was made into that of a Divine Assassin..."

Before we could continue with the living versus the non-living state of his being,..he suddenly snapped his head in the direction from which I had just come.

"Another living female is approaching us," he said tightly and armed his right wrist with his left hand.

Before we could continue with the living versus the non-living state of hs being, he suddenly snapped his head in the direction from which I had come,."A living being is approaching us!"

I took care to shine the flashlight in the direction that the Dead man looked. It's beam shown on a familiar face.

"I see a figure in a deep blue hooded cloak and long blue robes!" the Dead guy intoned, "She must be a Divine Cleric! I will kill her!!'

"Huh?" I squeaked, "Kill her? Why?"

The Dead Man, Kai, again made the swift movement necessary to make the weapon on his right wrist click,.."I told you,..I will kill this person because she is a Divine Cleric!!"

I strained my eyes to see the unfortunate that this Living Dead Man proposed to slaughter in front of my eyes. Hmmmmn! He had said that he was an Assasssin. It was going to be hard enough to explain this "Living Dead man" to the town cop,..let alone an extra dead body,..which mght belong to one of my approaching neighbors or frends!! I suddenly recognized the swaying walk of the short approaching figure!!

"Kill her? Hell no!" I yelped, "That's my "butter and egg lady," Mary Troyer!! No! No! Don't kill her!! A good "butter and egg lady" is hard to find!!"

"She is useful to you?" asked the Assassin, "Isn't she of the Divine Order?"

"No! No!" I answered the Assassin in exasperation, "She is Old Order!!"

As if making me understand that this concern of his was of the greatest importance,..the Dead Man rephrased his question, "Is she a servant of His Divine Shadow?"

Becoming quite frustrated with this whole discussion and fearing for my friend's life, I answered the Assassin with more than just my usual common quiet sense!

"No! No! No!" I screamed at him,.."Mary Troyer is just plain Old Order Amish!! The only thing divine about her is that she makes heavenly Devil's food cake or her Divinity Fudge!!"

"Devil's food cake?" Kai's brow furrowed as he pointed his arm at Mary's chest, "She feeds and sustains the prince of Fire? Then, I MUST kill her!! The Prince of Fire has tormented Xev and Stan many times!"

"Oh my Lord!" I groaned at his misconceptions, "Mary just makes good chocolate cake!! She is against the Devil!! Devil's food cake is a food for human beings..just like you and me!! You like good eats,..don't you?"

"The Dead do not eat!" was the Assassin's only comment as Mary Troyer,..running as fast as her short legs could carry here,..approached us!

As I warily watched, Kai attempted to get to his feet but his legs seemed to give way under him.

Sitting on his fanny in front of me, he looked up in what I would have called a quizzical fashion and managed in a calm sort of way to surprize and puzzle me, "I seem to be out of alighnment. How are you at adjusting..power rods?"

I am not sure what passing fancy made me decide on the folly of helping this stranger, who said that he was dead, and who if he was not lying to me,..was responsible for the blaze, that was taking almost all of Zeke Miller's lumberyard. Maybe, I was bored. Perhaps,..I was just realizing that "bad boys" appealed to me. or maybe,..it was just the over-all sexy way that the guy in black and his handome face and hisl extra long black hair,...done up in a neat bun and braid,..appealed to me.

"Power rods? What are your power rods and where are they located?" I asked the Assassin. For one long moment, he looked at me and then, he stared at the ground.

"Xev was able to re-adjust my power rods when we were at k-Town on Planet Fire," Kai whispered as much to himself as to me.

"That's very nice for Xev!" I growled, "But she is not here right now and maybe we should just call an ambulance for you and take you to the hospital..if you can't move because you are so..."out of alignment!!" How about it?"

"You just don't get it,..do you?" The Assassin looked me full in the face, "I have told you that I am not a living man. I am a chemical machine!"

"O-k! O-k!" I tried a more soothing approach, "But she is not here and maybe we should just call an ambulance for you and have the attendents put you into a nice padded room till Xev gets here!! "

I heard the click of that right wrist weapon and decided to humor him further, "O-k! O-k! Where are your power rods located?"

"My power rods are located...here!" Kai half whispered to me as he pointed to his..crotch!

Kai's POV:

I had to get back to Xev. I had to find Xev. Xev was the one,..who kissed me after she escorted me to my cryopod. She was the one,..who wished me," Sweet dreams!"

No matter how many times I told her, "The Dead do not dream!"....she would smile at me and give me a look,..which my memories told me that she valued this "Dark Legend" Assassin beyond his mechanical ability to defend her and protect the life of Stanly Tweedle. I did not regret knowing this Xev of B3K. I had an affinity for her and this compeled me to make sure that she was safe and would still be there for a while to kiss this Divine Assassin..."goodnight."

I stared as coldly as I could at the type thirteen Planet woman, Stanelle. She glared back at me.

For whatever reason and for Xev,..I whispered to her as loudly as I could, "You must remove my breeches and begin to adjust my power rods."

"For the love of Mike!!" she sniffed back at me, "What a come-on!"

"My midline power rods need to be..." I hesitantly begin again.

"Power rods!! Power rods!' she began again..seemingly outraged,.."You mean to tell me that you have more than one?"

Her eyes seemed to bug out slightly when I answered her, "Yes, I have a lot of equipment!!"

"Oh my Lord!!' Stanelle looked at me as if I had suddenly grown the head of a cluster lizard, "You did tell me that you came from outer space!! You were honest enough about that!!'

She gulped loudly and then whispered as if it were her equipment that needed readjusting and not mine, "More than one? I don't think that I want to be involved in that kind of a thing!!!"

I began to see that I was going to have to take what the Living call "desparate measures!!' If this stupid woman would not come over and adjust my power rods,..I would never get out of alighnment in time for..., I was not sure what,..but if Stanelle would not adjust my power rods,..I would be unable to save Xev and Stan from whatever horrors this terrible Type Thirteen planet was going to throw at them!! I would have to take extreme measures. I was going to have to kiss Stanelle.

I didn't want to do it! (The Dead do not want!!) Still,..that would appear to be the only way that I could convince her that she should adjust my rods for me so that I could get back to Xev and Stan to protect them!!

Very few human women can refuse me once they have kissed me and I have kissed quite a few human women and some,..who seemed more than inhuman from their lack of human feelings!! All of them had wanted a piece of me, and kissing them was the best that I could do for them!! Besides,..it has become a habit of mine tp keep score of all of the women that I have kissed by making scratch marks on the inner lining of my cryopod!!

For a while, Stan thought it was a sort of metal parasite that had been eating at the lining of my pod. I had no motivation to tell him that the scratches there are my record of my "love life!!" Even an Assassin has his...secrets!!

Stanelle just stood there in the open field and looked at me. My heightened Assassin senses,..scanning her neurochemistry,..told me that she was VERY much interested in kissing me, but the thought of my multitudinous power rods..frightened her for some reason!! I was begining to think that she had no mechanical aptitude!!

I held up my hand beseechingly to her, "Just one little kiss..even if you don't want to adjust my power rods...."

"How many tongues do you have?" she asked me suspiciously, "Since you are from outer space,..you aren't going to suck out my brain and eat it,..are you?"

"No!" I mutterd to myself, "I'll let Xev do that later!!'

I gave her my "Assassin-beautiful-enough-to-die-for" look." Few human females can resist that!! I glanced up at her provocatively and then,..looked away. This always gets them!!

My quarry came over and knelt down beside me!! I reached over and gasped the nape of her neck and pulled her head over to mine. Her eyes widened as we came face to face.

"You are just so damned beautiful!!" she moaned to me, but turned slightly away, "But you have the breath of...."

"A cluster lizard.." I breathed back at her. It must have numbed her because she did not turn away again as I expertly,..if I do say so myself,..tilted her lips towards mine by gently pressuring her chin and brushed my lips into contact with her's. She groaned as I slid my lips from hers and up to her cheek bones and down to her chin and then,.slowly caressed her neck with my tongue.

Then, I again lifted her mouth slightly,..curving my hand again around the nape of her neck,..so as to put her into the best possible position for the best possible contact between us. She began to shake from the feelings that I knew that I was arousing in her as I could feel her giving into passion of my kiss!

Just as I was mentally scratching up another score on the inside of my cryopod, an irritating voice screeched out, "What in the world are you doing there,..Stanelle?? Down there in the cow poop and kissing that complete stranger? Remember! You are a married woman!!"

I was so shook,..I lost control of my brace and it popped out!! Talk about a bad misalighnment!!


End file.
